What do you think of when I say the words “socially awkward?” Perhaps an adorkable Zooey Deschanel character who always says the wrong thing, but it’s okay ’cause it’s kinda cute. Or perhaps something else.
When I hear the words socially awkward, I think of person who gets clammy at the thought of social interaction, a person who’s left group interviews in tears because they don’t know how to act around people, a person that spends their evenings curled up in a ball crying because they don’t know how to make the friends that they are so desperate for.
That person is me.
Loneliness is no new concept for me, it’s something that’s followed me throughout my life. It lingered through primary school, as I sat alone under a bench every playtime. It stood aside and watched that time I sat down at a dinner table with my classmates, and every single one of them got up and walked away. When I moved away from home, it made sure I would find it next to impossible to make friends.
Despite my familiarity to loneliness, it never gets any easier and I find myself wondering what I’m doing wrong. It’s not like I haven’t tried to make friends, I have. I’ve got my conversation starters, such as my ability to lick my elbow. I can make small talk about the weather like an absolute pro, but I’ve seemingly no traits that make people want to befriend me. I have absolutely no social skills.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do have a handful of amazing friends from my hometown that I am still in contact with, but after moving away it’s hard to keep chatting frequently. Everyone has lives to live after all.
I also have blogging. If it weren’t for blogging I’d probably spend most days with no one but my boyfriend and my rabbits to keep me company. I’m lucky I have met people online that I can honestly call my friends, despite never meeting them in the flesh. But sometimes it’s not enough, sometimes I want to call someone up and say “Hey, lets grab a coffee”
Basically, I want to find a “Bezzie 4 lyf”
I want someone who can come round mine with a bottle of Tesco’s own brand rosé, sing along to awful 90s music and then watch Simon Pegg films till the wine is gone. Also, I need someone full of pointless facts in case I ever find myself on “Who wants to be a millionaire?” stuck with nothing but the “Phone-a-friend” helpline.
With uni only 8 months away I find myself getting anxious about what the future holds. I think of classes, filled with people I have nothing in common with. I’m not moving into halls so I won’t be forced to befriend people I live with, which makes me feel like I am hindering myself even more.
I contemplated trying to change my personality, the whole “fake it to make it” facade, but then I realised if a person didn’t accept my obsession with the Very Hungry Caterpillar, or want to talk about cake for hours on end, then we probably wouldn’t get on very well anyway.
I don’t know where I’m going with this post, I started it with an intention, all fragments of which seems to have fizzled away. I just wanted to vent, maybe gain some tips from any social butterflies that might be reading.
I guess I just want to find a friend.