how to blog

I think there’s some confusion in the Blogosphere as of late, as judging by the amount of “How to blog” posts I’ve seen going around it appears no one knows how to blog. That must be the case, as why else would we need all these blog posts about it?
So since I’m like really good at blogging I thought I’d share my knowledge in one definitive post. The how to of all how tos. The One Ring of how to posts, if you like.

Look at what everyone else is doing, and do the exact same thing.
You don’t want to stand out like a sore unmanicured thumb, do you? That means if everyone is buying the Zovea brushes, you need to be blogging about them too. I mean, how are people going to cope if there aren’t hundreds of reviews of the same brush?

Two words – Flat Lay
You simply can’t capture the details of your new makeup palette unless you lay it flat on the ground and scatter a few rose petals around it. This must be on a white marble background so everyone knows you’re rich. If you are one of the few people that doesn’t have marble flooring in your home, you can buy a slab from B&Q. Probably.

Live in London
If your post code is anywhere outside of the capital but I’m sorry, you’re not going to make it big. How else are you going to go to all these last minute press events? Living outside of the big smoke means you might have to *gasp* miss LFW. Unspeakable.
What do you mean you’re perfectly happy living in Manchester? That’s not the attitude of of a top blogger.

Take all your outfit photos in front of those white houses in Kensington.
It doesn’t matter that people live there, this is the era of the online creator and it’s your godforsaken right. They should be thankful you’ve given them some #exposure and probably driven their house value up.

Date a photographer.
Some people will tell you that you can create quality content with your iPhone. Those people are wrong. If you truly want to make it as a blogger you need a woo a hottie with a BA in photography and have them document your every move with a DLSR that costs more than a few months rent. Pigeon-toed in the latest ASOS A/W collection? Click. Biting into a Macaron? Click. In Tesco picking up some Andrex? Click. So candid.

Share all the infographics.
If you’re anyone in the blogging community, your inbox will be flooded with all the latest infographics. Infographics are a great form of unique content and your readers are going to LOVE reading about how chopping boards harbor foodborne illnesses in the sleek and sexy form of visual data.

Host a giveaway.
Pick up some cheap crap from Superdrug to flog on Rafflecopter for views and followers. The most important part is to comment on other blog posts with “Look at my giveaway!!!” Don’t worry about actually reading their blog or posting anything carefully constructed, other bloggers just love when you use their comments section to advertise yourself.

Write a “how to blog” post
This is the only content people want to read right now so get on it. Creative heartfelt content is so 2014.  This year it’s all about how to grow followers and make money.

 

So there you have it, follow these handy tips and watch your blog grow; and if not well you can always buy followers instead! What are your favourite blogging tips? Let me know in the comments!